Week 1: I Surrender All

Wednesday:

Ash Wednesday is my favorite day of the church year (besides Easter). It's a time to reflect on our mortality and earthly pain we inevitably bear. It's attending your own funeral service annually. Ash Wednesday really puts our pains and losses in perspective. A few years ago, I attended the Ash Wednesday service knowing full well that my grandfather would not make it till Easter. I acknowledged my inevitable pain with his inevitable death. Every Ash Wednesday, I think of my grandfather. This year is going to be tough. I've already suffered more loss in the last month than I have in the last couple of years. Loss of a person, loss of a dream, loss of what I wanted, loss of faith, loss of love. I have accepted that this year will be a year of change, pain, and growth. But in order to grow closer to Him, I must keep losing. I must continue to lose what I never really had. This week, I'm going to focus on the concept of surrendering all to Christ. Surrendering my victories and my failures to Him. I don't know how I'm going to do it - but I pray that in my weak and human attempt to surrender my pain to a heavenly King, He will turn it into something life-changing. I pray that I learn to accept my inevitable position of pain in this world - and give it all to Jesus. I pray that I will accept my inability to change my mourning into joy. I pray for complete trust in God's ability to comfort and protect me. I faithfully hope my prayers this Lenten season will change and mold my heart to surrender to the One who already holds it together.

Thursday:

Last night, I drove to Topeka for the Ash Wednesday service. It provided a good break to my day. As I saw my dad place a cross of ash on a 4 year old girl's forehead following a man in his 80s, I thought about the last 23 Ash Wednesdays. Every year, my dad has placed a cross on my forehead. Every year, he has placed ash on his daughter's forehead with the words: "From dust you are and to dust you shall return." The same forehead he placed a cross with sprinkled water 23 years ago on my baptism. As an infant, my family thought that I was deaf due to my lack of reaction to loud noises. My dad remembers baptizing me with a prayer of surrender for his deaf daughter. The cross on our forehead marked at baptism marks us to fully live in surrender. Every year, I am marked with a cross of ash to remind myself of the beautiful surrender I am called to make. Every year, I am marked with a cross of ash by a man who surrendered his daughter to the Creator. What a beautiful image - a cross marked on our forehead with the living waters of baptism and the surrendering ashes of death. Through beginnings, middles, and ends - He marks us with the promise of the cross. May I surrender to daily die with ashes and rise with the promise of my baptism.

Friday:

Lord, You know all. You know what is good for your beloved. I want to surrender my perspective of knowing what's best for me. Help me surrender what I think I want, and fill me with trust that You know and provide what I need. Help me to accept the reality that I am unable to fix my pain. My pain doesn't have a solution that I can give. Remind me that I am under your provision and forgiveness everyday. You offer love. You are my answer to the sorrow. May I desire what You desire. May I seek what You offer. May I surrender my will and gladly follow Yours.

Saturday:

Lord, break down my walls. Fight off my demons and make a home in my heart. May I surrender my pride to allow You to work through my pain. Provide humility so I can joyously accept Your will. Lord, I surrender the pain and brokenness of others. I look around and see a generation chasing happiness in earthly pleasures. I feel isolated amidst the overwhelming force of brokenness. I surrender my loneliness. You have called me to be a light in a world covered with darkness. May I fully trust that You will give my light power to change.

Sunday:

I surrender my timeline. In You, all things come together. Keep my mind off of planning life's unknown events. Keep my mind away from focusing on the future. Allow me to accept my inability to strategize or manipulate the unknown. May I live freely with the knowledge and assurance that You hold the unknown. Father, You command me to, "be still." I ask that I find peace and comfort in that stillness. I am tired of controlling the uncontrollable. I am tired of fighting Your will. By Your grace, fill my life with stillness and surrender.

Monday:
I surrender my control. I have tried to manipulate and see the future. I have fooled myself into believing that I have control and a choice in the future, other's actions/feelings, and my ability to heal. Allow me to rest in Your heart and promise of redemption. Keep me from temptation. Protect my heart from pushing You away when controlling feels easier than trusting. Lord, allow my complete self - past, present, and future - to live for You. Implement a sense of joy in my heart to venture the path You lay before me. Overwhelm my demons with a force of Your peace. When my spirit can't sense Your abiding presence, may my knowledge and faith give me comfort. Feed my spirit with Your persistent love. May Your grace meet my weak surrender and offer substantial healing, peace, and change.

Tuesday:

Lord, You know all. You are reality. Our perception of reality is a weak and foggy reflection of who You are. I surrender standing on my perception of reality. May I stand upon the Rock that is higher than I. "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." {Psalm 61:2} Lord, provide faithful trust in Your child's heart that You offer a place of comfort and hope. You offer a reality that is truer than my own. I surrender my ocean of reality for the Rock that is higher than I.

//It feels like an ocean of sorrow is under my skin
Even the ocean eventually meets with the sand//