Week 4: Giving Pain a Purpose

You have called me into places of discomfort, pain, and grief many times in my short 23 years. And as You have shown me, Your love continues to remain and endure through those times. You give pain a purpose for Your good. A reminder I need every hour of the day.

Wednesday

My move to Kansas. That's the lowest I've felt - completely isolated and hopeless. My self-confidence as a 15 year old girl was completely shot. I remember having anxiety walking through Target, thinking everyone was judging my looks. (Oh, how I've grown.) Throughout the months of pain and loneliness, I clung to Your calling. I clung to the moments of brief hope and happiness that would surprise me each day. Soon, those moments occurred more and more, and life became "normal" again. It took about a year to feel settled in Topeka and 3 years to feel detached from Minnesota. Minnesota is now the place that carries my treasured childhood, and houses loved ones. I no longer see a future in Minnesota - and I'm completely okay with that. Lord, out of my depression and anger as a young 15 year old girl - You created a new home. You led me to a group of friends that will truly last a lifetime. You gave me a high school experience that I would not have had in Minnesota. You supplied a loving and generous congregation to our family. Through my pain, You continued to fulfill Your promise. Lord, I ask that I may hear Your calling to this new stage of my life. May You work through my pain, and give it a purpose. Hear my prayer.

Thursday

Leaving Concordia. Thanksgiving break, I had made my decision to leave Concordia at the end of the academic year. It was a strange time to decide to leave. I finally felt situated in friendships, but still excited and motivated to make new ones. My last month at Concordia was the hardest. I cried everyday. I constantly prayed "Be still and know that I am God" on my way to classes. It was an exhausting process of appreciating the community of Concordia while saying goodbye to it. I won't forget the last day - my friends and I had all packed. We were waiting for our parents to come and help us move out. Before the first one left, we gathered in a circle to hug and cry. Fast forward 4 years - those same friends came down to visit me a few weekends ago. Before leaving me, we gathered in a circle to hug and to cry. They prayed over me. I truly believe, God placed me in Concordia for a brief year to befriend those 4 faithful and loving hearts. Looking back, I can now say that the pain and confusion were completely worth those friendships. Lord, thank You for placing faithful and loving friends in my life. You have blessed me greatly. May my current confusion dissipate and Your purpose become clear. Call me to a purpose. Give your child direction. Walk with me.

Friday

Moving to K-State. I didn't sleep at all the entire first week. I was the only girl on my floor who wasn't an international student or involved in greek life. Immediately, I felt left out. It felt like my life was on repeat - I was going through the same feelings and experience as I had when I was 15 years old. Loneliness and constant discomfort are feelings I was acquainted with. I remember after the first day of classes, I sat on a bench in front of Anderson Hall to call my dad. As students made their way to their next class, I cried. I remember telling my dad that I was going to transfer back to Concordia. I was so sure and confident in that plan. As any wise parent, my dad suggested that I give it a month before we make any decisions. A month later, I started to see my purpose at K-State. So I stayed. And I am so happy I did. When I was at Concordia, I thought I was happy. But after experiencing the last 4 years at K-State, I know that I wouldn't have been this happy at Concordia. I love the big school environment, the beautiful campus, my program, the city of Manhattan, and the friends I've gotten to know along the way. I always thought I would be the person to appreciate the small private Lutheran university community over the large public university. But I was wrong. Lord, I don't know what I need. I don't even know what I want. My experience with K-State has proven that. Carry me through this transitional part of my life as I wrestle with what I want versus what You want. You are goodness. All that You plan and provide is good. May I live in trust and faith of Your goodness and provision for my life. 

Saturday

Senior year of high school. I was deciding between colleges, struggling with the end of high school (aka my childhood) coming to an end, involved in an unhealthy relationship, and my grandfather was experiencing serious health concerns. It was a hard year. My grandfather passed away a week before my prom. It was expected - he had been waiting for heaven the last 10 years of his life. But it was still heart breaking. He was a great role model on how to lead a faithful family. He raised 3 sons who became faithful and loving husbands and fathers. Who then raised 6 beautiful, intelligent, and faithful granddaughters. He gave away a generous amount of his money to multiple charities during the last years of his life. There are many attributes of my grandfather I hope to possess as my life continues. It was painful to say goodbye to him. He passed away in his home, with his children and grandchildren singing hymns as he fell into his eternal sleep. Through the pain of losing my grandfather, my perspective of life rapidly changed. My grandfather lived a full and long life. All of a sudden, it was okay to leave high school because college was just the next step of my "childhood." There was no "perfect" college to attend - I just needed to make the most of wherever I was. And most importantly, I didn't have to be "stuck" with my high school boyfriend for the rest of my life. I had so many more years to live and people to meet. Strangely enough, the death of my grandfather pushed me to fearlessly live my life. My grandfather never gave me the impression of being fearless. He was steady and constant, as is his Savior. Lord, continue to remind me that I am free to live in the unknown under your constant and steady love. 

Sunday

Senior year of college. As all of my close friends know, my undergrad major was very competitive and challenging. Senior year, I spent the majority of my energy in applying for graduate programs and worrying about whether or not I would get in. There were multiple nights in the library when I would call my dad crying because I didn't think I was adequate or able to meet the standards put in front of me. It was an exhausting part of life - constantly working and hoping that I was "good enough" to pursue the one thing I wanted to do with my life. April came around I started getting letters. I was accepted into all 4 schools I applied to. I couldn't believe it. In hindsight, I wish I would have allowed myself to enjoy the experience of undergrad more and focus less on the potential downfalls of my future. I wish I would have believed in myself more. But now I do. I now know I am allowed to enjoy life in the midst of challenging school work. I have carried this lesson into graduate school. Approaching any difficult situation with confidence makes life so much easier. Lord, I pray that I may approach the pain and season of change in my life now with confidence. Confidence in Your provision and care. May You be my sole source of confidence. 

Monday

First semester of grad school. The first month of grad school involved panic attacks and an overwhelming lack of confidence. My workload that semester wasn't difficult. My professors and supervisors were all kind and gracious. I had an amazing support system around me. My circumstance itself wasn't difficult. But for some reason, that I still don't understand, I believed that I wasn't capable of doing it. I believed I would fail. Every morning, I prayed the verse "Cast your burdens to the Lord, and He will sustain you." After accomplishing many firsts that semester - first test, first client, first supervisor meeting, etc. - my confidence grew and my anxiety started to disappear. When I didn't believe in my capability, God surrounded me with people who did. It was the first time, I had experienced pain from an internal struggle rather than an external one. Anytime I had experienced pain it was because my circumstance changed - new home, new school, new friends. During this time, I didn't have a concrete reason or situation to point to. The struggle came from my personal weakness. God didn't change the circumstance, He changed me. Lord, turn my internal struggle into joy. Change my weaknesses into strengths. May I accept that my current circumstance will not change. But my heart and faith will. Give me faith to trust in Your ability to make all things new.

Tuesday

This past week has been rough. But You provided family, friends, and roommates who continue to love me through the pain. Lord, thank You for carrying me through every trial and season of change in my young adult life. May You implement faith in my heart that You will carry me through this. I do not know where You are carrying me and for what purpose - but I do know You will never forsake me. You will redeem and heal. You will make this new. 

"I know not the way God leads me, but well do I know my Guide." Martin Luther