Unbelief

Every Christian has experienced doubt. However, it's not something that is widely discussed or even mentioned. I remember the first time my mom told me about when my dad went through a serious season of doubt in his faith. God delivered him through his unbelief. And through His deliverance, he grew in the faith and realized his call to the ministry.

Imagine that. Doubt triggered growth. Doubt triggered commitment. Doubt triggered faith. Doubt triggered accepting God's call. Doubt exposes our sinful inability, which then reveals His ability and desire to make all broken things new. 

I can remember two times when my doubt was dangerously deep. 

The first time was in 8th grade when a close family friend had unexpectedly passed away during heart surgery. It was the first time my adolescent brain had enough abstract thought to challenge the idea of heaven and the concept of eternity. This bled into doubts about God's existence and His presence in my life. I remember crying every night for weeks as I fell asleep, praying to what I hoped was God, asking for His gift of faith. I knew even then, as a 14 year old, that it was out of my ability to create my own faith. I needed to accept it. Through those angsty pre-teen prayers, God met me in my sorrow and in my doubt. He delivered me out of my unbelief. 

The second time was in high school. Looking back, I know now that I was struggling with depression, along with a toxic relationship. I could only see evil in the world. I was suffocating in the doom and gloom of the world around me. How could a God exist with so much pain and brokenness in the world? I perceived reality with complete cynicism and despair. I remember one Sunday morning after church, I drove to Barnes and Noble to look for a devotional book in hopes to shine light into my darkness. I picked up C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity, sat on the floor of Barnes and Noble, read the back cover, and wept. My overwhelming brokenness and despair had lead myself to doubt any source or reason of good in the world. All I could see was evil. But it was that very real truth of evil that lead me to believe in the very real truth of good. Two powers outside of humanity and the physical world. God continued to meet me in my questions. He delivered me out of my unbelief. 

So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?” “From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” -Mark 9:20-24

I find the verse in Mark 9:24 interesting. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." It's completely contradictory and perfectly compatible.  

"I do believe." As sinners, our belief is imperfect. We live out our faith imperfectly. We hold our faith inconsistently. On our own, our strongest days of believing are still weak and wavering. Without Jesus, the words "I do believe" fall short to His righteous and holy ears. 

But here is the gospel: "Help me overcome my unbelief." Jesus has come to help us overcome our doubt, our unbelief. When God sees us, He sees the risen Christ. When he hears sinners say, "I do believe," He hears His redeemed and reconciled children. God delivers his children. He meets us in our unbelief. When in doubt, allow Him to meet you and deliver you. Accept his deliverance. Accept his gift of faith. 

In my seasons of doubts, I've realized that He gives us physical ways of meeting him in our unbelief:

• Go to church. Consistently. God meets you in His word, in the pastor's sermon, in communion, in the fellowship and encouragement of fellow believers. Worship regularly. 
• Read His word. His word is a living word. He seeks you out with His language written down for you. Listen to him. "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12
• Pray. Even if you don't truly believe in who you're praying to. God is a god of mercy and grace. Being completely honest about your unbelief will only allow him to reconcile it with His gift of faith. 

Lord,

Deliver me from my unbelief. Cover my faith, my works, and my living in your grace. Provide me the gift of faith. Help me to nurture the gift You've given and hold it preciously. Amen.